I hate how he makes me feel. I hate how he’s able to bring out my vulnerability. It’s a side I’ve worked hard to hide and a skill I’ve perfected with time, but with just one word, one look, one smile, he’s able to completely unravel me, and make me forget the hardness I’ve worked hard to perfect.
It’s a hard task, working hard to keep my savagery at bay, but every time it unleashes itself. Sometimes he makes me unleash it without concern, because of actions or inactions he’s taken. I never wished to be this way, but he brought out the worst side of me, which I ironically take out on other guys, not him. Never him.
I know I can’t blame this savage on him. I love the game. My heart races and my pulse beats faster every time one offers himself up to the platter. They make it so easy for me. And when I’m done, I’m done. I never want to think of the consequences it has on them or the future effects I’m causing on myself. My motto has become: find prey, catch, kill, drop. It excites me. And every day I look forward to a new catch.
He’s begged me to give up the game. I promised I would. But I can’t. It’s my drug and it keeps me going. Slowly, it has become my addiction. I think I learned it from him. Or rather, I perfected the skill he unknowingly bestowed upon me after he tore my heart into shreds too many times to count. So I gave up on feeling, and used his ‘gift to me’ to my advantage.
I loved him. Or sometimes I think I loved him. I’ve stopped knowing the meaning of that word lately. I just know I do. Or maybe I just want to see how things would end up with us. Even though we hurt each other constantly, a part of me won’t let go until I’m completely sure it’s pointless to.
If I could turn back the hands of time, or freeze back time completely, I’ll take it back to that time when there were no problems at all. Back to the time when I could easily tap into my emotions. Back to the time when I could feel and when I felt human. Back to the time when we loved without regrets and confusion and jealously, and revenge wasn’t our motto.
But this is reality. And this is what life is. This numbness has completely eaten into every part of me and the love of the game is the order of my day. And there’s nothing he can do to change that. Not at this point anymore.