Were we ever friends? Or was that just an illusion?A delusion I’d forced myself to believe in just to fight loneliness? Were you ever there? Did you even exist?
Or were we ever more than friends?
We knew each other like the lines and curves of our fingerprints- or so I thought. The first times we’d talked, I was curious and so were you.
And for days we talked and grew closer. You told me your demons and I showed you mine- together we’d run alongside each other’s demons.
Your name became a constant variable even when I wasn’t around you. Talking to you came as natural as breathing
You’d fallen first, at least that was what you’d told me. Had I only dreamt it?
You could tell what I was thinking without me uttering a word. I knew when you were upset just by glancing at you.
You were the only one who knew how to make me smile-real, genuine smiles. You carried me on your back and even in my drunken mess, I knew I didn’t deserve you ever.
You became my favourite person; My heart looked forward to seeing you everyday.
Those simple three words I felt from the way you’d glance at me, from the way you’d shyly brushed your hand against mine, the simple kiss you’d dropped on my cheek at the most unexpected moment— I love you.
You see, I remembered everything. Everything.
For months I fought it. Why? I love my control, I love being able to manipulate my reactions.
But with you I never knew how to act. I liked you and then I didn’t. I wanted to be yours but at the same time I didn’t. I wanted you in my life but in a way I could control.
Close but not too close. By my side but still far away.
So I did what I do best- I hurt you.
Your love was complete, full and overwhelming; came at a time I didn’t understand what love was- I was stupidly locked in my own infatuation of what I thought it was.
By the time I was ready to love you, you had given up and let go. So I ended up loving you on my own.
The first time you held me while I cried, I knew then that you had become the most important person in my life.
The moment you placed your hand over my heart because you wanted to hear my heart beat, I knew that you were the first person my heart would belong to.
I never knew you wouldn’t be the last to hold it.
When did we drift away? At what point did we stop becoming friends and start being perfect strangers?
Was it when I hurt you and took you for a ride? Was it when I started loving you back and you started loving others?
Or maybe our timing was wrong. Or we both grew up and grew away from each other.
There was a time I needed to hold on to memories of you to get through each passing moment. I admit, it made me weak; loving you made me weak.
Which is why I need to say goodbye.
To memories of you. To memories of us.
I’m letting go of the memories of what could have been and maybes. Slowly, I’m letting go of the memories of you because I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I still love you, but I can’t love you anymore- there’s the big difference.
So goodbye to the first person that made me understand that love was beyond the physical- it’s in the spiritual.
Goodbye to you whose name will never be mentioned again, so I can protect my heart for the future.
Goodbye to the first person who’d ever made me feel alive, in many ways that I can’t describe.
And even when I say goodbye in all the languages I know, I don’t think my heart would be fully ready to accept it.
Now, my head and heart have reached a meeting point. Because the moment you let go of us my heart was hurt.
So it’s time to say goodbye.
You’d still be my favourite person in the world, but now, you’re my favourite stranger.
Because this is goodbye. Forever.