“When we fall down, God is always there to pick you back up –Joyce Meyer
It took me a while to believe this. I stopped writing, I stopped going out, I stopped being myself, I stopped living. I was alive, but no longer living. I knew God hadn’t deserted me, I knew he was still there, by my side, with me all the way, but I refused to acknowledge it. I still had a relationship with God, I managed to convince myself of this fact. God was still speaking to me, but I pushed Him aside, I blocked consciously any opportunity I had to hear God. In the truest fact, I had fallen far away from God, initially unconsciously, and later became consciously.
I had somehow managed to convince myself that my existence in itself was a mistake. I remember apologising to my mother about my existence, about being that one child no mother ever wished to have. I remember weeping, begging her to forgive me, that i was sorry. But deep down, I knew that my past mistakes, the naivety and foolishness of my actions, was unforgivable and irredeemable. Sometimes I’d find myself staring into thin air, the realisation of what had transpired dawning on me. And with each realisation came each tear, heartbreak, regret and every negative thought possible. It was hard to survive each day, to be around people and everyday fight the urge to break down in front of too many unsuspecting people. As much as they all assumed they understood, no one really understood how I’d felt, no one really understood the pools and oceans of pain and regret I was in. I felt like a cast away, and there was no possible way again that I’d be of use to God; I was trash before him . Looking back, I realise that this was the first window the devil used to attack my mind. Because for a split second, I attempted suicide. In that one room, the lights turned off and my blinds completely shut, shutting out the entire world around me, I briefly considered how much better life would be for my family, my parents, if I wasn’t around anymore. It was at this point, I was able to convince myself that people who commit suicide were not doing so for selfish reason, but for the good of everyone around them. And as I was about to switch off my phone, my sister’s text came through.
“Bunmi, you aren’t a mistake, God has a purpose for you, Okay?”
I Knew God was speaking to me through her. Thank God for that split second. Thank God that during this time, my emotions had not gotten the better half of me, that I could not bring myself to carrying out this unimaginable, Thank God for the presence of the Holy Spirit within that short period of time. I can only imagine what would have happened if the opposite had happened. And I thank God for this, because I CAN ONLY IMAGINE.
When I published this particular blog post, I FOUND MY BIBLE PERSONA || SAVED BY GRACE || ANJOLAOLUWA OF THE MOST HIGH😌👑, I really struggled. I was torn between writing the truth about what had really happened, or hiding behind a bible character to portray my story. And like the coward I was, I hid behind Rahab, because writing the truth would be like re-opening an already healing wound. And even though I would never share my full story, the long and short is that I was being blackmailed for a year and a half. I’d mastered the art of hiding behind the falsities of life, hiding behind laughter, and jokes and being silly all the time, but the truth was that I was never as happy, or as excited as I portrayed myself to be. Because in the deepest corners of my room, I’d always cry myself to sleep, wondering when the whole saga would come to an end.
I was weighed down completely because I never spoke up. Because I never really wanted to burden anyone with the realities of what was going on, and with my problems; after all, my problems was mine and mine alone to solve. But each day and every time, God surprises me with the type of people I have around me. People that genuinely care and constantly have my best interest at heart. It was during this time that I knew, with all my heart, that I was never ever going to let go of these people. With every step of the journey back to mental recovery, they were there with me, over-worrying when I was worrying, constantly checking up and praying for me, and most importantly, happy when I was finally sane.
Even in my little joust of unfaithfulness, God in his own way, was there with me every step of the way, providing comfort in the form of my parents and siblings, close friends and even far away ones. God is, and would always remain faithful regardless of it all. Every day, when we doubt our citizenship in the Kingdom of God, God is always there, in any way or the other, reminding us of our heritage in Him, in His kingdom and this I know, is the truest essence of salvation.
I’d finally truly understood what that quote meant, and not only is God my saviour, BUT MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR, and even though there may be times I’d struggle, times I’d relent, times I may not hear him, One thing I know, is He’s always there, surrounding me every step of the way.
And so, God willing, ThisGenerationByAnjola is back!
Till next time,